..with a preacher standing on it...

its bin so long since iv bin on tblog.

Ok..wel. im...alive. i was doin well. enjoying the semester.now im tired of it all again.

hmm...missing england like crazy.missing my family like crazy. missing me in england lik craaaazy.

but im laughin more.thts a gud sign rite? life is jus SO stupid. so im jus laughin at its stupidty & sillyness.

Disney is like the McDonalds of cartoons isnt it? What does walt disney do besides take stories tht are already there..embedded within cultures, & serve them to the masses with the right packaging,the perfect happy ending & with a dollap of disney music? I spent the last 3 days in Disneyland & amidst the parades & the music & all the happy smily people..i felt something very sinister was afoot.It's all a little creepy isnt it..those huge smiles,the subservient heriones stood next to their princes,their lives now complete,the huge emphisis on beauty,on wealth,on good preservering over evil...all in hourly doses?unnatural id say. Ok,ok...its meant to be fantasy..i get tht..bt theres still sumthin not quite right..arnt our fantasties jus manfistations of wht we wish we had bt know we are never gona get?a fantasy isnt lik an ambition..an ambition is something worth working for & can eventually be obtained..a fantasty..is jus pure lust.So do all men..deep down...deep deep down..want to be the handsome hero? do all women wnt to have white faces & rosey cheeks & be happily married?hmm..dodgy or wht...
Maybe it's just because i hate the commercialism of it all...& in such an amazing place like Paris.Or maybe i hate myself for succumbing to it coz i only spent 2 nights in Paris & i cud've spent more..Paris is beautiful..its all about art,fashion,poetry & creativity.Its about passionate sex & wearing a baret at a werid angle...well? isnt it? thts how i saw it anyway. i LOVE french ppl...LOVE them. i love how they smoke all over the place regardless of whr they r or how many kids are around them. i love how they say hi 2 each other (kisses on each cheek) & how they refuse to learn english. & Paris is wht i call multicultural...forget england..they dnt know shit about it lik the french do. The french dont see colour at all...here was cross-breeding at its best..& im nt jus tlkin black & white couples..im tlkin chinese & french, german & english, jamican & russian..every culture u cn imagine. im all for it..the more we have mixed race couples..the less important colour,country or state will be.maybe it was the summer..maybe it was the weather..maybe it was the eiffel tower.. but everywhr we looked thr seemed to be couples of all kinds...all so unconvential,wether it be an african woman & an irish man, or 2 gays...but it was ok..they were in love..it is Paris after all. it just seemed so natural to see two women play fight & then end up on the grass kissing under the lights of the eiffel tower..no1 even batted an eyelid.
& whilst we're on the subject of That Tower..i still cnt see the attraction personally... how can a giant 7,300 ton metal structure shaped like a giant phallus be in any way inspiring or romantic? i just dont gt it.But i went to the top..jus for the hell of it & the view was incredible..but wht else did i expect..this was paris.
It really was an amazin week...i had so much fun..being all cultured & sophisticated in Paris & then acting 10 again in disneyland.A holiday well deserved methinks...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4736 991.stm" title="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4736 991.stm" target="_blank"http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wo...

it really makes u think about the big,important things doesnt it? only yesterday morning i was debating what i was gona wear to go out that night & wht i was gona have for breakfast...now 24 hours later i find myself trapped in my own home,surrounded by violence, bang in the middle of a drama tht seems stright out of hollywood.

i really admire him..John Garang.Such a strong personality with chrisma, charm & intelligence. he cud have really lead Sudan towards a new path if hed lived. its so disrespectful to his memory for people to be out looting & slaughtering when hed worked so hard for peace. Even his wife, amidst her grief,had the courage to say;"This was his day and I accept that God has come to collect him. It is just my husband who has died. His vision is still alive," it makes me respect & admire her very much.These are the women we shud be looking up to...these are the women of the future

But now it remains for me to wait & see how my country is goin to deal with this blow..its a very uncertain future ahead it seems..

"Tell that u'v had troubling sleeping
that u toss & turn from side to side
that its my face uv bin seeing
in ur dreams at night.
Tell me that u wake up cryin
& ur nt sure exactly why
tell me that sumthin is missin
in ur life....in ur life
tell me tht u live 4 love
that forever is never enuf
that u waited all ur life to see
that u want sumbody 2 believe
tell me that its nt just me..."

iv got so much to revise i dont know whr to start.
or how to finish.

Found this on www.colorquiz.com & its exactly right.

Your Existing Situation

Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems, but is either unwilling or unable to exert the effort.

Your Stress Sources

Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and of separation from others. Believes that life still has far more to offer and that she may miss her share of experiences if she fails to make the best use of every opportunity. She therefore pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity and commits herself deeply and readily. Feels herself to be completely competent in any field in which she engages, and can sometimes be considered by others to be interfering or meddlesome.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Emotionally inhibited. Feels forced to compromise, making it difficult for her to form a stable emotional attachment.


Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither properly understood or adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of emotional involvement.

Your Desired Objective

Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics skillfully so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermining others' confidence in herself.

Your Actual Problem

The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity.Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of her own efforts.

exams start 2morow..thats in in one day..ONE DAY!Dear God i hope i do well.

But..more importantly..
i cant think of ANYTHING or ANYONE except him.

*looks sheepish*

At least i have the decency to look guilty!i know i know...only in my 2 days ago i was complainin about the likeness of men &  their penises.

dont get me wrong...i still know that they r dicks

its just tht other parts of my physical,emotional & spirtual body dont seem to know that. or wont admit to the truth of the fact...

it was all gettin so much easier...i hated all men;all y chromosome carriers, i loathed intimacy & didnt believe in male decency.
Then he appears...again.

& he prises open a door tht i had long thought tht id firmly locked.

i dunno..things r so stormy within myself...i barely love myself, how can i expect to love someone else? & thn the future is so uncertain, do i wana stay in Sudan anyway? do i wana even do medicine? so even if we ever got together (assuming he even feels tht way about me..) then wht? wht kind of future can i offer someone wen im nt sure of my own?

i guess whtever Allah wants to happen between us will happen.

i just cant help being a lil impatient...

im sorry...but i HAVE TO "VENT"
if u r male, or wish to be one..look away now.

Iam so so angry i cud explode! i cud shatter into a millon & 1 itseey weeny little icle pieces of pissed offness
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhh!
HOW DARE HE?!HOW DARE HE DO THAT?!

how typically male.
how typically chavanist,2 faced,arrogent,self centred,patheticly MASCULINE.

men say tht we're confused about wht we wnt.. i think theyr just confused
they say we think too much & cn never decide...i say they never think.

shez just another gurl who gt hurt by a guy.
So whts new? its gotta happen sumtime... it HAD to happen..she was pretty much asking 4 it...living 18 years of her life without caring for men or being hurt by them. oh no, we cnt be having tht. she had to fall in "love", she had to fall her him (the bastard) & he had to be male (the bastard) & she had to cry.

i never thought id see her cry..let alone over a GUY.

the only thing tht truely unites us females is one of two things...either compatition (for males) or hatred (for males)
why do we all have to follow sumthin so ugly as a penis? coz thts wht men r...giant,living,breathing,wa lking,talking,excitable penises.

Exams again.im tired again.im (supposdly) studying again...but mostly...im just stressing again.
i really REEEALLY wana do well in these exams.i now know tht im capable of really gud marks, if i just put in a lil more effort...
But exams also mean the end of the year is neigh :-) i CANNOT wait. im jus countin the days.i wana do so much this holiday, God willing. iv got so many plans, so many things i wana do, so many ppl i wana c...the suitcase is ready, the plane tickets & passport are in the bag...jus these exams & im off..first yr over & done with.
its certainly been an experience, i cnt deny that.not a nice experience, or one tht i enjoyed but an experience nonetheless.coming here was a decison i made & i have to live with the consequences. was it the right decison? i dont know.... a decison i regret? maybe.
i guess i wouldn't be who iam today if i hadnt come here & bin thru this year.i have learnt a lot but i dnt know if it was worth it.in this yr thrs bin so much pressure, so much stress, no real friendships made & no life experience. but iv come out alive havnt i?

i have changed so so much

i really have. iv turned 180, im nt the person i was less than a yr ago. & whilst it was to be expected tht id change, i didnt think id change this much.
i didnt think id go from bein an optimist to being a pessmist, my glass was half full now its half empty.
from a beliver in love, in soulmates, in deep connections, to a hard cold cynic who prefers to keep everyone at arms length.
im frightned of intimicy, im scared to let anyone so near tht they can understand me & cn actually know wht im thinking. im slowly learnin 2 build a fence around my head and heart & to walk around with a fixed mask tht says: "im not hurting" tho i hurting from deep deep inside.
i hate myself, i hate who iv become, i hate whos & whts around me.
most of all....i hate life  
Sarcasm, cynicsim,coldness & fear of intimicy...since wen did these words come to describe me?

..& the escalade...
Oh she be looking fine with the chocolate skin,
but i heard she was trifiling...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ahhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

tht is how i feel rite now.Exactly how i feel, nothin describes it better.i just wana scream & scream & screeeeeeeeeam.

why cant things be simple?
im not being idealistic anymore, hell im not even being optimistic anymore.im just askin 4 the simple things. the meaning of friendship, selflessness, love, caring without wanting anythin major in return.
do things like tht even exist?

IT IS TOO HOT IN THIS COUNTRY.
Too hot...im melting as i write...

Things are really confuzzling in uni right now. everyone is falling out, growing further away from each other.Arguments,bitch fights,fist fights.everyone is unsettled, weary,distrustful.

& im stuck in the middle.

typical. i hate being the mediator. the calm one. the responsible one.
iv only now began 2 REALLY REALLY understand the meaning of religon.Its not jus the prayers & the fasting or the hijab.its the actions, the words,the intention, the comfort & glow u get from being close, ginuenly close 2 God.its an incredible thing.
& im bk 2 hating the y chromosome. dating is so pointless. love is all mental & conditioned. i dont care if i dont get married. anyways, i dont think thr exists one decent,tustworthy,respect ful & intelligent male in the world we live in. So whts the point in "falling in love" with sumthing tht is inferior 2 me...

i love the place im at right now,mentally,spirtually,e motionally.Not physically tho..i wish the place wasnt so damn hot...

seems to be...
....as far as an eternity...

Just finished exams. Just gettin thru each day. not much is happenin really.But im alive & tht will do 4 now.

....to the people in my life.
to the colourful & exciting personalities tht have entered (& exited) my life.To friends,family,aquintence s,passer bys. to people who have stood by me,stood up for me,stood proud & gave me a great example to follow.held my hands,kissed my lips,touched my life.to the ones who have brightned my days, livined my steps, saved my years & showered my life with tranquil rain.
this is a tribute to all those shopping trips & coffee shop stops, all the cinema outings & party hopping (!!). to the discos & the nights out & the picnics & the restaurants & tv rantings & gurly days & summer nights. to the times wen i sneaked out,lied thru my teeth to go out & didnt wana go out anyways but went out & had fun.

& let's not forget those who passed through my life as quick bolts of lightning,to burn me, teach me, hurt me. to those long nights i cried myself to sleep & wen i dreamed of what i cudnt attain & burned for wht wasnt mine to have or take. those people & experinces add up to make me whole too.

So this is just a lil tribute i felt like writing today, to all those times & all these ppl. sum of whom will read this (namely my friends in England), sum who may or may not see this (my friends here) & sum who are not the least bit likely to ever to know tht i was thinkin of them, thanking them & writing this tribute in their honour...

iv bin watching a lot these days. no comments,none of tht bullshit tht we so willingly use 2 fill up those honest silences...nothing.just listning & watching. you learn a lot by watching ppl's actions,reactions,movemen ts.

i think you should be very careful what you wish for. like really really careful coz..wel it just might come true...
& wen eventually it does come true, after all the praying & begging & wishing & dreaming...its never quite as gud as u imagined it to be is it? 

im on holiday for my exams...been revisin, studying, reading. too much information, too much knowledge, just too too much...

i think i cud rewind to a time wen i was happy..or at least i was happier than iam now.but thn any time other than now seems rosier,brighter,painted with colourful hues & tints much clearer than now.Things are muddy,dull,unclear these days.

By watching iv become such a spectator. iv forgotten how 2 participate in life, how to live, how 2 really live & love my life. i want the energy 2 grip my life again & feel it. my head says "watch & learn, you've hurt too many times & it was always your own doing" but my heart begs me 2 continue on this path iv chosen "for what is life but the intensity in which you feel each breathing moment".i just cnt stay simply watching anymore...

im 17 today.

i dont feel very special.

its so easy 2 love him now.it was always easy, but not this easy.
its so so easy to say "i love u"
the 3 most disastrous words on Earth.
& he said them first.
& he meant them.

space tends to bring people closer.
time can heal wounds or jus surpress them deeper.
iv being savouring the past a lot recently, rolling it around in my mind and lickin & roundings its rough edges
now i think iv smoothed it enough to allow it to stay in the past, so i can concentrate on the future.

i think i jus always craved the knowlege tht id made as big a diffrence to his life as he has to mine.
now im content to let sleeping dogs lie.

im stressed and i cnt seem 2 relax
No amount of long warm baths,incense or massages seem to help.

im stressed coz i dnt seem 2 enjoy anything anymore.stressed coz im always worried, tied up in knots inside.stressed coz i dnt want to talk to anyone.im stressed in england and im stressed in sudan. im stressed about exams and my religon and my family and my friends. im worried about what kind of person iam, if im bein the best i can be, if im doin all tht is askd of me. im stressed when i wake up, worried about what im wearing, what im sayin, how others precieve me, if wot im doin is right or wrong.i get stressed wen ppl tlk at me, i get angry wen ppl lecture me, i feel lik im running a one man show and everyone's watchin,waitin for me to fall.im stressed coz im getting older but never wiser.im stressed coz i dont gt enough sleep, i dont go to the theatre anymore, i cnt be creative anymore.im stressed coz i always feel tht time is running out lik sand flowing between my fingers.

But what stresses me the most is the fact tht i can't stop bein stressed.

ok...so im back

Everything is exactly how i left it & i accept tht everythin will be exactly the same wen i leave.
its comforting to know tht things havnt changed, tht i havnt changed. it makes me secure in the knowledge tht wherever i go, woteva im doin,iam always myself. i thought i was lettin the ppl around me define me, and i do seem to do tht to a certain extent, but not too much to the point whr i lose the essence of me,the centre,the core.tht makes me feel safer.

in the last 6 months iv discovered new approches to life..iv bin introduced to ways of thinkin tht wud neva had occured 2 me before. iv learnt how others deal with situations, how others precive,how others feel and act. in the process, my glass became half empty rather than half full bt i guess il always belive in the human spirit. in the goodness tht must be in every human heart tht lives.
Is everyone essentially good?
Are we all born with the capacity,the will, to do good and then society,the media,family,surroundings ,woteva..tht corrupts us?
Or are we all evil,just some ppl less than others? Every human is capable of evil,of hate and abuse,i know tht now but i will always perfer the former,more postive theory.

i think im gona burn out soon. i keep thinkin "i cnt go thru life like this" so much emotion,so much heartache,most of which i do to myself. i think i give too much of myself every time, every meetin, every fone call,every relationship i have, it hacks away a bit of me and leaves me weaker. but isnt every experience like a buildin block to allow me to become wiser,older,stronger? i really dont know any more.
Either way...life is a risk im willing to take and a journey i wana travel. iv taken off my rose tainted glasses and im lookin at everythin clearly. it feels better then ever before.

Yes *nods* im back on english soil.

jus had the worst week of my life, had horrible exams,bin surrounded by horrible ppl and have hardly had any sleep....but at least it's over. 1 more week and this whole thing will be over 4 a while...before i start 2nd semester and this treadmill starts spinning all over again...

but rite rite now im so so excited..iv got some grrr8 news and i can hardly contain all the goodness inside!

5 days until the exams and again im not ready..why do i always do this?At least these are the finals...1st semster is over!Time has flowen so quickly..it seems only a few days ago id arrived all innocent and teary eyed prepared 2 face a new future.Im nt gona let myself become cold and cynical despite what's happnd coz im not like other ppl...this smile is fixated whatever anyone does...
I found out tht my "friends" here had a huge conspiracy against me,basically they all hated me (well 1 did and they followed suit) and i was the only one tht didnt know.It's a much longer story than that but then who really cares?i learned not to trust AGAIN, yet it seemed i didnt learn tht lesson properly 1st time so i had 2 be shown again rite?So im grateful.but wot gets me is tht it's so high school...so poking someone and running away, so hitting guys coz we like em. A lot of ppl are stuck in that phase and id kinda understand if i was in 6th form..but im in UNIVERSITY!people need 2 grow up sumtimes.
Havnt bin readin anyone's blogs 4 a while so i thought id do tht 2day (any reason 2 avoid studying) and *sigh* life's a bitch aint she?

And o, a quick quote 2 illustrate how shallow ppl are here+to show u the ppl i now DON'T hang round with: *in bimbo voice* "When i see ugly people, i always think of ways to make them look prettier" *sigh* so so dumb.

i miss england so so much.Did it take me that long to realize what iv left?
i miss Chris' hugz
i miss long chats on the phone with holly
i miss the cold
i miss the english

New year was good..i went out 2 a party and celebrated the first hour of 2005 by throwing cake over everyone i cud get my hands on!i cnt belive how far iv come and how much iv experienced since 1/1/2004. i dont have any resolutions coz im pretty content with everything as it is and i just wana keep it this way. 

plus im over him...tis bout time!

since you went away...i miss you so much and i don't know what to say...

My o my,time sure does fly wen..what?
you're getting heartbroken
you're crying each night 
you're wasting time,
sleep,
your life,
just thinking about him. 

It's hard enough just passing the time..wen i can't seem to get you off my mind...

And there really is no escape
coz how can i get away from my own thoughts,
dreams,
ambitions.

Surely this isn't love?