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"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh"-Voltaire

06.30.04 (11:17 am) [edit]

I try so hard you know? i try so so so hard. i work hard, i try to live by His rules,for Him because He created me and gave me breath.Coz He gave me life and He gave me the house i live in n the clothes on my back n my health n my family n friends n im so so grateful.i love God so much coz i know....i know im 1 of the very very lucky ones.

But why does it have 2 b so fuckin hard?y is it tht weneva im enjoyin my life...i gt slapped down?im not a bad person..im really not.i dont hurt ny1 intentionally.im friends wit most ppl i know.i hate no1 n trust evry1.i jus want 2 live my life simply,joyfully,passionat ely.

iv made mistakes before bt theyr all lessons learnt n i woz so hopeful..i woz livin by His rules.i woz back on track n i thought..foolishly thought..tht it woz enuf.bt it seems its nt.im still gttin punished n im jus so sick n tired.im so sick of tryin n it doesnt mean nythin.evrythin is haram,evrythin is wrong,i cnt jus enjoy wot i hav without this constant fear and hatred.Wel im tired..i cnt do it nymo.sumthin has 2 give.

yasmin is allergic to brazil nuts therefore she has a racist stomach

06.29.04 (10:30 am) [edit]

Found tht on googlism.com n found it quite amusin.i love brazil nuts by the way....

nyways,2day was very very veeery good. it went loadz betta thn i xpectd. i love it wen tht happns.

i woz emotionally drained and mentally frustrated and physically ill as well as bein spirtually tired...n thn 2day happnd and it woz real nice.Meetin ppl who i thought i hadnt missed...bt thn seein em again made me relize tht i had...n huggin em made me so happy. :-)

hugs r great.y dont ppl tlk bout how great hugs r?!?!i realy think theyr wonderful.i mean...u cn hug nybody; your mum or your partner or strangers...n hugs make me feel so special and wntd n loved.i got hugs frm loadz of special ppl 2day...lik my ex (how weird is it callin him tht), and han (who i hadnt seen since tue) and hol (who id also bein havin horrible withdrawl symptoms without) n jonathan (whos hugs rock, always hav done). Hugs make me feel so warm and protectd....i jus cnt gt enuf of em 2day!im gona try n hug as many ppl as i cn 2moro.i wnt evry1 2 feel as happy as i do now.

mmmme!

06.28.04 (2:50 am) [edit]

"dreams.. cn come tru..."

06.27.04 (1:42 am) [edit]

iv bin havin the craziest dreams.Full length technocolour movies full of friends and family and theyr all disjointed and strange.

My dreams are usually quite strightforward...i cn understand them and figure them out coz im quite self-aware.bt now i dunno if something has shifted or im jus goin crazy.Thr is a lot of stuff whirrin round my mind at the moment so i suppose my dreams r jus a way 4 my subconcious 2 sort itself out.

i never understood how dreams cud tell the future thou..does tht mean tht our dreams r a way 4 God 2 channel the future 2 us or r dreams merely our own minds free frm control?Dreams is whr we allow our thoughts 2 run free and our fears roam without haste. our own basic needs n wishs r fulfilled in our dreams.so y am i dreamin tht i thing i want the most...is not even registering my existance?

Soundtracks

06.24.04 (8:33 am) [edit]

"be young, be foolish but be happy"

i suppose its nt the end of the world...shit lik this happns all the time..i jus thought it wudnt happen 2 me...bt im 16..im a young teenager, thts wot i shud b doin rite? its normal n part of growin up etc. etc. i jus need 2 get over it dammit it!

iv decided tht my life doesnt hav the correct soundtrack, thts y things hav bin goin wrong.u know lik they hav soundtracks on movies? the music matches the mood n the subject of the film. i need a nu soundtrack, sumthin more mellow bt upbeat.sumthin full of energy n life...sumthin tht makes u see the beauty in this world n gts u 2 wnt 2 move on n keep workin hard 2 make ur life better n the place tht wer in better... Music is such an important part of people's lives n we all have our own auras n soundtracks. i jus need 2 find mine n il b bk on track...

Lost Time

06.24.04 (1:00 am) [edit]

Time is a human concept. we invented time so we cud keep track of our lives.without it wed b lost coz wed nt hav nythin 2 organize ourselves wit.

these last few days feel lik iv lost the meanin of time.i woz so out of control and jus..lost...lost in space,lost in a huge abyss of darkness whr thr woz no beginin and no end.how do i make up the lost time? 2 or 3 days lost 2..a few hours of "fun".n iv also lost the battle,iv lost 2 drink and lost 2 temptation ...i cnt decide how i feel bout tht.i shud b ashamed of myself or angry at myself bt i jus feel numb and lost...n wot's the time again?

twisted

06.20.04 (7:44 am) [edit]

hmm had a twisted day 2day. got an email which made me happy in an evil kinda way n i woz all bubbly coz id jus got off the fone bt thn my mum jus brought me rite bk down 2 the shitness of it all. y do parents always hav a way of doin tht?!

my mum took 1 look at me n basically told me wot a bad muslim i woz being n i jus thought..fuck this, y do i hav 2 answer 2 u or 2 God 4 evrythin i do?im nt a bad person n it seems 2 me tht as long as im nt hurtin ny1 thn i shudnt b made 2 feel guilty n lik shitty scum jus coz i dont wear the hijab "properly". i chose 2 wear the scarf n i dont regret tht, i still belive in evrythin tht it represents (ie.modesty) n i love the freedom it gives me bt..i jus dont c y all these little things matter in the long run..so wot if i dont pray 5 times a day or go 2 hajj...how does tht make me any less of a person or ny less gud? isnt my relationship wit God the most important thing? isnt tht wot matters?!

so i woz all down n crappy n decided tht id had enuf of my family so i wlkd home (we wer at Asda...yawwn) n jus as i stepd outside it started rainin really heavily wit sleet n evrythin n tht made me feel so happy. i love it wen the weather matches my mood.wen im upset n all i wana do is cry, i take pleasure frm the fact tht outside the rain is drillin hard n flowers r closin up n leaves r wiltin. 4 sum twisted reason it makes me feel gud again.

aaaa wel.

06.18.04 (6:50 am) [edit]

aaaa jus found out tht the object of my affections is called Mr.loyd and 2day woz his last day at my bros skool...haha..wot a brief bt passionate love affair tht woz....

bahhhh!

06.18.04 (3:02 am) [edit]

I have jus seen the most beautiful creature in this fuckin world! Now generally i have held the view tht men r ugly n at the moment they seem both ugly in spirit n by nature.

Bt this guy woz pure beauty...he woz lik sum sculpted work of art, so perfect and...it woz lust at first sight!problem is...he must b bout 9 years older thn me n hez my brother's primary skool teacher :oops: opps! i sure know how 2 pick em.

saw him at a recital thingy tht my bro woz doin (whr my bro woz the star of the show...i woz sooo proud!) n the teacher woz so cute,all animated n takin fotos.bahhh tis jus a useless infatuation, i know tht...i wonder wen the skool book fair is thou...i think il show up at more of these kinda things u know...4 my brothers sake u understand...

happy!

06.14.04 (11:10 am) [edit]

im feelin happy so i thought id write a blog wen things r actually goin my way n im smilin coz i mean it. 2day woz 1 of them days whr al the gud things toppled on top of each otha n now im overflowin wit natural gudness.its nt lik the bubbly happiness tht u gt wen ur in "love" (sorry still feelin quite bitter and a sceptical bout tht) bt more lik a content,alhmdallah kinda happiness.i guess im goin bk 2 the old yasmin who woz thankful and always counted her blessings. Iv realized tht iam lucky n tht this isnt the end of the world,plus the Chem exam woz a lot easier thne xpectd n i dont hav 2 do ny art eva again!tht feels gud.Sittin by the river today...nikki makin me laugh,i didnt feel alone 4 tht 1 time..it woz nothin special yet it felt special..know wot i mean? n tlkin wit holly last nite or woz it a few nites ago...i hav 2 give the best feelin in the world award 2 holly who induces tht feelin in me everytime...jus wen iv lost hope n evrythin is muddled in my head she makes evrythin fit. Rnt i lucky 2 hav a friend lik tht?

wot do women want?!

06.12.04 (1:23 am) [edit]

What do women want? And as a woman..i don’t know. I thought I knew what I wanted, a family, a husband, kids, a career, respect and lots of fun. I thought I wanted hot chocolate and long baths. I wanted to go to a football match and to date my soulmate.
Well I go what I wanted..or some of it. I got to date my "soulmate"…the man I fantasized about. My one, my other half..he woz thr rite in front of me and he woz thr 4 the taking.
Iv discovered something quite important though..that women (or jus me?!) don’t like gttin wot they want. Give it 2 us on a platter and its no fun, no point. Gttin wot u want all the time takes the fun out of life…wot hav u got 2 strive 4?
Women around the world want different things I guess.I think we all desereve respect and love and trust even though sometimes we have 2 work hard 2 earn it.
I had visions what a perfect guy would be. What a perfect relationship would be. Lots of love, colour, no emptiness. I wana feel cherished, loved, needed, demanded.Trust,loyalty. Passion, lust. Understanding, communication, honesty. Care, respect, tolerance. And change. Change together. I want my relationship to evolve and change with my partner…things change, people change, you can’t block it.
And what I felt for him has changed. Where is tht deep ache for him? Them nights where I stayed up dreamin of bein in his arms, of touchin his lips and listnin 2 his beautiful mind. Where did all these hours of my life go?! Wasted on a dream.
I don’t need anybody, I don’t need a partner or anotha half 2 complete me. Im a confident person, im happy with me. I don’t need 2 share or discover, I know it all already. Feelings r fickle, emotions r subtle... we often fall and stumble. Iv learnt tht now and iv learnt tht i dont need ny1 besides myself.

break-up blues

06.11.04 (12:59 am) [edit]

ud think id jus broken up wit my soulmate,THE one, my prince charming...HA!even im nt tht stupid nymo..im slinkin round the house cryin at every sad song (listnin 2 a lot of country music...do u know how pained n emotional them ppl r?!) eatin lots of ice cream (n pringles) n not wntin 2 look at anybody in the eye coz i cnt do it without breakin in2 tears. i guess im enjoyin the pain coz iv always bin lonely bt at least i now hav a reason 2 cry..bt n i quote "he lookd so cheerful 2day!!" so at least i know hez nt too bothrd....i dunno wot i wnt bt i dnt wnt this.

"I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been" Keith Urban

Aurora Musis amica (Dawn is the friend of the muses)

06.08.04 (7:07 pm) [edit]

im probably gona regret writin this coz il end up hurtin sum1 sumhow bt its 3am n i cnt gt 2 sleep!
isnt it weird how thr always seems 2 b a song around at ny given time tht xplains ur situation perfectly or tht u sumhow relate 2? rite now iv gt Usher's "burn" on replay...i know wot ur thinkin holly *commercial crap* bt i cnt help likin it!
mmm so...im single n it hurts.im surprised tht it hurts coz iv bin thinkin bout this a lot n i thought i woz immune 2 ny pain.even thou it woz a mutual descion n i know its 4 the best...i cnt xplain y bt instinctivly i know tht its betta this way.Wed make betta friends thn a couple bt...i cnt help bt think wot if?n i look at the bigga picture n i think wot if this it?the whole situation has become bout more thn jus a realtionship,it effects my religon,family,friends,my whole outlook on life.iv neva let myself become 2 attachd 2 1 person,iv bin infatuated b4 n iv thought i woz in love bt...this guy woz perfect.PERFECT.so am i bein too picky?or jus stupid?or insecure?mayb im scared coz i dnt wana let him 2 close.iv neva had issues wit trust b4 bt now im questionin evrythin n it makes me feel unsafe.
its nt tht im worried bout bein single...i cn b happy eitha way bt my heart has sunk 2 such a deep level now tht i cnt find it n these thoughts r jus whirrin round in my mind n i cnt gt 2 sleep!
i wonder wetha he relizes how much he means 2 me n how much i care.i feel so upset tht i mite hv hurt him bt feelings change...it cnt b helpd.im rarely lost for words bt evrytime i try 2 xplain 2 him how deeply i felt 4 him...the words taste bitter in my mouth,too reharsed n i feel cynical n it sounds lik bullshit wen im bein so sincre wit every inch of my soul.
Grrr Janet jackson's "got til its gone" has jus come on. she keeps repeatin "u dunno wot u gt til its gone" ova n ova again.. damn her n this radiostation tht keeps playin these thinky thinky songs.
mmm jus read al tht n it sounds kinda melodramtic bt im very emotional rite now.*sniffles* ooo im gona start cryin soon...tissues,tissues. phew writin all tht helpd thou...deep breaths.humph...
wow i cn hear birds singin outside.wot time does the sun rise here?need 2 check tht...hold on...4.44am so in anotha hour or so.mmm i think il stay up 4 tht...

"if he eva left me i wudnt b sad at all
coz thrs a blessin
in every lesson
n im glad tht i knew him at all" India Arie.

*whistles*

06.07.04 (12:28 pm) [edit]

iv decided tht my last blog woz too saddned n i dont wana b sad.i dont lik bein upset.so im makin a decision 2 b happy n 2 enjoy myself.i have 2 stop this nasty lil circle n i hav 2 b strong n keep 2 my morals n jus 2 stop bein so down. i think tht evrytime u wake up u make a choice on wether 2 b happy or nt n im nt gona let my time in england go 2 waste. ..*wlks full of purpose 2 the fridge 2 gt cake* yay...im satisfied. *nods head causin several cells 2 die n all information needed 4 maths exam 2morow 2 fall out* oppsies!

boobies dinner

06.07.04 (11:47 am) [edit]

Just come in frm a boobies dinner wit my gurlfriends (u cud onli go if u had boobs..lol) bt yea..left em all afta the food 2 come home n "revise" xcept im sat writin a blog dammit!grrrrr i neva feel more lonely than wen im surrounded by people n havin 9 of my best friends around me made me feel clustrapohobic rather thn loved. :(

Confuzzld

06.05.04 (4:29 pm) [edit]

Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn't fated
Thought what I wanted was something I needed
When mama said no I just should have heeded
Misled I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

isnt tht beautiful?Saw it n it made me think bout...evrythin...tis by lauryn Hill frm her album "the miseducation of lauryn hill" damn i NEED tht album...

grrr im so so confuzzld rite now (a word tht me n hol once made up..anotha 1 bein squilly...il xplain sumtime) i dunno how i feel or wot i wnt or whr 2 turn.its lik im a lil star suspended in the middle of a vast n clear bt dark sky..i cn c all these otha bright stars,all these shinin lights bt i cnt c a stright path 2 them n i dunno which 1 2 go 2. im so lucky 2 hav certain ppl 2 ground me,my friends hav bin real gud..id b fuckd if holly didnt tlk 2 me at midnight or lee hadnt offered me his bed or chaz hadnt dragged me 2 the liberary 2 revise,by the way...wen did libraries become so loud?!Verrry werid....i mean jus a hug frm hannah 2day made my day. :-) i dunno...i had everythin so plannd n sorted n i knew wot i wntd n whr i woz headin n now all thts bin taken away frm me n it leaves me so confuzzled.

if i woz a barbie..mmm...

06.05.04 (11:59 am) [edit]

You're Transgender Barbie! You're well, there's no
way to describe you. Pick a sex and stay with
it!

If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

homie is 10 :-)

06.04.04 (4:23 am) [edit]

It's my brother's birthday 2day!hez 10 years old n o soooo xcited, bless his cotton socks. he woke up this mornin all xtra bouncy,callin evry1 n tellin em tht hez 10. i havnt bin xcited lik tht in aggges. im feelin real childish 2day..iv bin runnin round the house openin my bros presents n ticklin him n he keeps takin my hair bobble n tryin 2 make me look lik rayman!! :lol: hez squilly. grrrr iv spent the last half hour tryin 2 c how 2 put a pic of my bro up n i cnt do it. o wel..ul hav 2 take my word 4 it..hez cute!! (nt as cute as me bt hey...)

Sinful things

06.03.04 (7:33 am) [edit]

mmm i shud b doin sum art rite now..thts y im at skool bt i prefer 2 doss since holly n kez r tlkin bout evil things (smugglin alcohol loaded pigs in2 my country) n such so this is betta. pretty hannah is here lookin very beautiful...we look rather gud actually xcept me..i look kinda arty (kittens on my boobs) n holly is all matchd in red n kez is lookin lik a cleanin lady (in the best possible way). Save the severly hyperactive children!they need ur help! ooooooo I ATE A HAM SANDWICH 2DAY!!!OMG!!!!!! iam drownin in sin!! :twisted:

musings on love,friendships n revision

06.03.04 (1:12 am) [edit]

omg im up so early! iv bin "revisin" even thou none of it actually goes in2 my head. it all seeps thru this giant hole i seem 2 have..thrs a leakage!i dunno...i always seem 2 do fine in the end so y shud i work 4 it this time? tis only GCSEs. hey im 16!
jus bin readin my bestest bestest friend's blog...i neva relized she gt tht lonely...makes me wonder wot else shez hiding..DID U SLEEP WIT MY BF?!! no tht woz liz. bt hey...my bf wudnt cheat on me. id eat him wit pepper n chilli or mayb il marinade him 4 a few hours in tht gorgous sauce my mum makes 4 chicken...mmm my mouth is waterin thinkin bout it.
Tis so werid being part of a couple.i jus gt so dependent on me n started thinkin tht i only needed me n it woz nice coz i onli had 2 answer 2 myself. i kinda miss tht. bt wen ur a couple thr r so many options..u wana xplore the world 2gotha. We wntd 2 do so many things, jus simple evryday things lik cook a meal 2gotha or lie in a field or watch a film or drink coffee 2gotha.things iv done b4 bt i wntd 2 try them again wit him.i wantd 2 share my life wit him. i guess thts wot love is. u wnt 2 share ur life wit sum1 n keep on livin coz theyr thr. i think love is the deepest friendship.its callin sum1 at midnight 2 tell em 2 switch the telly on coz jonny depp is on or 2 tell them ur scared of the dark. love is them knowin my fears n dreams n hopes n wot i had 4 tea.mayb im too idealstic bt i think im quite realstic too...i love roses n candlelit dinners n full moons bt i also love the romance of givin me a hug wen im down n makin me a cup of coffee wen im out of it or doin up my bra wen i insist on flashin 4 the teachers.lol. tht woz funny. *rolls eyes* those wer the days. no more kirkbie huh?!
i shud go gt sum revision done. no really.

ace!

06.02.04 (4:28 pm) [edit]

UCAUTION

IN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP YASMIN AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.

From Go-Quiz.com

love....grrr dammit!

06.02.04 (1:22 pm) [edit]

Hey so she is not my Venus,
An aphrodite no more,
No daughter of Neptune
not ascended from the sea floor

Well shes no Helen of Troy
whos beauty did astound
and began the war of Trojans
well save for the horsing around

But these are just myths
tales of ancient lands
or just idle daydreams
in lessons unplanned

So no longer to be compared
to those godesses of old
Do i bide my time well?
or do both hearts turn cold?

pretty gud huh?! i have this ace friend rite...hez a real cool indie quirky kinda guy who is totally way ova his head in2 this gurl. so iv started a rehabiltation progaramme 2 try n gt him off her...n wev started by gttin him 2 write sum very postive poetry...she is no longa his helen of troy! :D

mmmm life

06.02.04 (1:01 pm) [edit]

life sucks doesnt it?sucks serious pig shit as hol says. how is it tht evrythin iv eva wntd...evrythin i cud eva ask 4.... i gt all in 1 go n im still so unhappy? is it sumthin wrong wit me?it must b rite? u cnt hav evrythin n still feel lik shit.
sumthin went wrong wen they came 2 makin me...like God mustv sat down n thought "iv messed up this one bt hey...lets watch her 4 the fun of it" ...its jus this unsatisfied feelin..this kinda emptiness even thou im healthy n wealthy n pretty wise (even thou i do say so myself). i dunno...i need 2 comfort eat now. :oops: