i have changed so so much

i really have. iv turned 180, im nt the person i was less than a yr ago. & whilst it was to be expected tht id change, i didnt think id change this much.
i didnt think id go from bein an optimist to being a pessmist, my glass was half full now its half empty.
from a beliver in love, in soulmates, in deep connections, to a hard cold cynic who prefers to keep everyone at arms length.
im frightned of intimicy, im scared to let anyone so near tht they can understand me & cn actually know wht im thinking. im slowly learnin 2 build a fence around my head and heart & to walk around with a fixed mask tht says: "im not hurting" tho i hurting from deep deep inside.
i hate myself, i hate who iv become, i hate whos & whts around me.
most of all....i hate life  
Sarcasm, cynicsim,coldness & fear of intimicy...since wen did these words come to describe me?

..& the escalade...
Oh she be looking fine with the chocolate skin,
but i heard she was trifiling...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ahhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

tht is how i feel rite now.Exactly how i feel, nothin describes it better.i just wana scream & scream & screeeeeeeeeam.

why cant things be simple?
im not being idealistic anymore, hell im not even being optimistic anymore.im just askin 4 the simple things. the meaning of friendship, selflessness, love, caring without wanting anythin major in return.
do things like tht even exist?